Christmas is a Jewish Conspiracy

Christmas is a pretty major part of American tradition. Everyone eats incredible amounts of fatty Christmas food, and buys each other presents, and remembers the birth of their dear, dear Jesus-man. The vast majority of the population stews in this Christmas spirit for months, preparing everything for that special day when they get to bask in their third world privileges. Before I go trashing Christians and America any more, I'd like to make it clear that I also fall into this category. I have been anticipating the crap out of Christmas for the past few months, and I am not about to let my own speculations ruin this beauteous time of year for me.

But for myself and the vast amounts of others like me, we think that the world stops turning on Christmas. All the stores are closed, all the streets are empty, and everyone is with their families eating hams and opening presents and getting piss drunk on eggnog. BUT THAT IS NOT TRUE! (And if' you've ever been scheduled to work on Christmas day, you'd know that these fantasies are a fallacy! Fantasy fallacies!)
There are restaurants still bringing in customers, and movie theaters are full and the streets are teeming...with Jews.

My mother and I were talking about this while she was cutting my hair, and I had been gushing with Christmas lovey goo when she brought to my attention that the universe doesn't stop for Christmas.
     "Christmas is so nice. Everyone just takes a break to be with the people they love and the world just kind of takes a break, you know?"
     "You know Alex, not everyone is inside their houses on Christmas. Some people have other things to do."
     "Yeah right, like who?!"
     "Well, Jews."
And that's where I stopped realizing, because I realized that Christmas is just a big Jewish conspiracy!
Allow me to explain: a large portion of the American population celebrates Christmas, leaving the whole country vacant for Jews (and others who don't celebrate pagan rituals). Preposterous you say? Not so! They get all the best seats in the movies, they get to eat out at fancy restaurants without having to wait 50 minutes to be seated (damn you Olive Garden!), and they get to walk through the department stores like they own the freaking place. It's all part of their plan to take over! They intentionally hype up Christmas in their stores and at their social gatherings, making sure that everyone will leave them alone on that glorious day.
     "Yesssss," they tell their Christian friends, "isn't Christmas just a lovely time of year? Time to be inside, away from the stores and parking lots." Those scheming geniuses!
They want to make sure that the streets are empty for them to prowl freely while everyone else is inside naively sipping Peppermint Schnapps out of a Santa Claus mug. --You know the one I mean.

Just to clarify, I am in no way poking fun at Jewish traditions, or insinuating that they are plotting to destroy the earth, or even suggesting that they are bad people. I love Jews! Have you ever had matzoh ball soup? Shaaaaaaalom. I'm just pointing out that they are a crafty bunch, and they have been tricking us Christmas celebrators out of good theater seats and Christmas day sales for YEARS! And if we are ever going to be the first ones in line for a hot apple pie, or a fresh Reuben sandwich, we had better start catching on to their little plans.
Because like I said, they are a crafty bunch.