Why "The Office" Makes Me Want To Die

You know how people associate certain smells and sounds with feelings? Well, I do anyway. The smell of cedar repulses me because it reminds me of cleaning guinea pig cages, and their milky disgusting urine. I don’t mind the sound of clanging metal because it makes me think of radiator heat, which is the best kind of heat. Whenever I drink DR Pepper, I feel like I’m at the beach, since it’s my beach beverage of choice. And so on.

But lately I’ve started associating The Office theme song with wanting to rip the skin off my face. (I’ll get to that later though.)

In the last week, I’ve been having the worst time getting motivated to get work done in time for the end of this semester, and I keep hitting walls. Especially with math.

I’ve never been good at math, but now that I’m paying for my own education, I feel inclined to give a shit. So I’ve been trying extra hard on finishing up work for that class, but that doesn’t mean I’m any better at understanding the work. 

For the past few nights, I’ve been sitting down with my rarely used math text book and going through all the homework and reviews and trying to get my assignments done. Concentration has always been difficult for me, especially since I moved into an apartment building with the world’s loudest upstairs neighbor. Every time he walks his fat self across my ceiling, the overhead light shakes and the walls rumble. After he walks back and forth from the kitchen to his living room a few times, I hear him turn on his TV. And his favorite show is The Office. 

A few nights ago, I was trying to finish a math take-home quiz for a section that I could not comprehend. (Let me also say that it was one in the morning at this point, after the longest and most painful day of my life.) I listened to Fatty McThunder Thighs pound back and forth and finally settle back into his couch to watch The Office. As I heard his couch creek under the weight of his supposed massive body (since I’ve never actually seen him, but I like to pretend that he is basically an ogre with body rolls and far apart eyes) I prayed that through some grace of God, he would keep the volume down. Silly me, of course he played The Office at its normal ear splitting volume.

I tried my best to ignore it, but the universe seemed intent on fucking with me. Every time I would get frustrated and overcome by tired tears of frustration, The Office theme song would blast down from my ceiling to mock me. I can’t tell you how many times this happened. I think he must have all of the episodes on DVD. 

It was about three in the morning when I finally gave in and let myself cry over the take-home quiz that was never going to get finished. (In my normal melodramatic fashion, I let my tears drip onto my quiz, staining the problems that I was sure to get wrong anyway.) Just as I thought I was going to be able to pull myself together, I noticed that it was awfully quiet…

DING NA NING. DING DA DING NA NING. DING DA DING DA DING. DING DA DING DING DING NA NA NA….

I used to like The Office. I used to think it was hilarious and unique and made me feel good about my life. Now, I associate it with failure and self loathing and fat ogres and their loud stupid TV habits. Now every time I watch The Office, I feel sad and tired. Now every time I hear The Office theme song, I want to rip my skin off. And I want to drown Fatty McKancle Face in the gallons of mayonnaise I’m sure he consumes on a daily basis. 

Thanks for ruining good TV for me.


P.S., I ended up getting a 19/20 on that quiz. And do you want to know why? BECAUSE I AM A FREAKING CHAMPION!