I subscribe to the idea that everyone needs at least one "win" everyday to feel good about themselves. (I also subscribe to the 'Seven Friendly Touches' per day idea, but we'll get to that later.) These "wins" can be little things like making the train just as the doors are closing, or they can be massive achievements, like getting anything higher than a 70% on a math test. Since I seldom get big wins, and I'm also a fragile human with an unstable self image, I like to set myself up so that I win CONSTANTLY.
I woke up this morning and looked in the mirror and my skin looked ballin as shit. Win!
The first word I said today was bacon. Um, Win!
I took a call from a customer at work and answered all her questions correctly. Adult Win!
I keep track of these all day so by the end of the day, I'm feeling pretty good about myself. But sometimes, when I'm not having a winning day, or I'm not really doing anything to win at, I like to make it easy for myself. To get myself to remember how awesome I am, I like to play word games, since I am a self proclaimed master of words and letters...and rice, but that's a story for another time.
One of my favorite games is something I like to call "Acronym LOL". Just to demonstrate how much I OWN at this game, let me share a few acronyms with you, and I will give you the first thing that comes to my mind when I read them.
NDA: Non-Disclosure Agreement? Or Nerds Dance Alone?
LLC: Limited Liability Company? Or Lemurs Love Coconuts?
NBC: National Broadcasting Corporation? Or Nasty Butt Cheese?
HPV: Human Papoloma Virus? Or Hairy Purple Vaginas?
NRA: National Rifle Association? Or Naughty Republican Assholes?
FBI: Federal Bureau of Investigation? Or Fat Bitches in Igloos?
I realize that those were getting progressively more inappropriate, but I couldn't help myself. Oh how I make mineself LOL. My boyfriend and I play that game from time to time, and I must say that he is a worthy opponent, but that I always come out on top. (I happened to win our most recent match with Lemurs Love Coconuts. Frickin genius.)
This is something that I love to do in my head during Alex Time because it just makes me feel happy about myself. With every imaginative and hilarious acronym, I am remind of what a comedic genius I am. Besides, I love making myself laugh.
Brace yourselves, I'm about to digress...
When you can think of a joke or an awesome Acronym LOL that is so funny, so brilliant, so earth shatteringly perfect that you make YOURSELF laugh, then you know you've created gold. I like to equate jokes to tickling yourself, or smelling your own breath. If your breath is so nasty that you can smell it, you KNOW you got some stanky-ass breath. If you can catch yourself off guard and tickle yourself and achieve the same sensation as if someone else were doing it, then you are the freaking master of tickles. Jokes are the same way. If your joke is so good that you can make you laugh, then it must be an incredible freaking joke! I mean, you already know what the punch line to your own joke is, so if you still think it's funny even though it burst forth from your own brain loins, then it must be off the charts.
That's how I like to picture my jokes. Because I KNOW I'm hilarious. And that's how I Win.
I'd also like to give you guys the opportunity to share with me your own brilliant Acronym LOLs. Put them in the comments, and whosoever creates the most incredible LOL of them all will receive a special and legitimate prize. WIN!
Friday, January 27, 2012
Sunday, January 22, 2012
I'm Turning Into A Fat Person
Ever since I've moved back into my apartment, I haven't been able to stop eating. I've always had a pretty crazy appetite, but this is getting out of hand. You'll know based on my last post, that I was going to try to be awesome this year, and a part of that being awesome was to start eating healthier and taking care of my body. So that lasted aboooout, hmmmm...a week? I went to a few yoga classes, watched a few 10 minute exercise videos, and then ended up back on the couch watching 30 Rock with a jar of cookie dough. (The cliche is just so perfect.)
The only thing is, I literally can't stop. I'm hungry every minute of every day. It's not even that I can't stop craving food, it's that I can't feel full anymore. Is it possible to spontaneously develop a thyroid problem? Because that's what I have. On top of that, I've started thinking like a fat person too. (So far, I'm not ashamed to share these thoughts with you because the consequences of my actions have not caught up with me as of yet. But rest assured, I am on the cankle train, and my stop is coming up fast.)
The other day, I was sitting on the couch eating my second bowl of spaghetti and watching The Big Bang Theory when a commercial for McDonalds came on. The craving hit me like the cankle train. My boyfriend was sitting at his desk a few feet away from me, and I said to him through a mouthful of noodles and sauce: "I wish McDonald's delivered"...
I just want you to think about that for a second, and how absolutely pitiful that is. Let it sink in a little.
All my boyfriend did was laugh and went back to whatever he was doing, but I sat there staring at the TV rethinking the words I had just uttered, and wondered how my life had gone so terribly wrong. So wrong, that on a Friday night, I was sitting eating cold spaghetti watching The Big Bang Theory, wishing that I could call up McDonald's and order a BigMac and an Apple Pie. What is wrong with me!?
Obviously, the psychological part is pretty destructive on its own, but it has started to seep into other aspects of my life. Like my finances. A few days ago, I came home from class and begged my boyfriend to take a break from work so that we could go down the street to the Korean restaurant. He kindly obliged me, so I insisted on paying. I was pretty hungry--go figure--so I ordered an entree, a side of rice, a drink, and a side of edamames. On top of my boyfriend's order, I ended up paying over 30$ for lunch.
Totally satisfied with my meal (but still not totally full), we returned home and I decided to check my credit card balance, pretending that I am a functional adult. It turns out that with the last charge, I had just about maxed out my credit card on Korean food, leaving myself with a few dollars for any other expense. Usually, I would have left the credit on there so that I couldn't buy anything else, but I had already resolved with myself earlier that morning that I was going to go to the grocery store later that day to get myself some more nutella. So what did I do? I payed that motherfuckin credit card off so that I could get myself another jar of creamy hazelnut heaven!
And on top of all of my pathetic behavior, I can't do any more of my exercise videos because I look like a total asshole when I try to keep up with those beefed-up supermodel action-figure teachers, and I would rather die than let my boyfriend see me struggle like that. It is the epitome of unattractive.
ALL ABOOOOOARD!
The only thing is, I literally can't stop. I'm hungry every minute of every day. It's not even that I can't stop craving food, it's that I can't feel full anymore. Is it possible to spontaneously develop a thyroid problem? Because that's what I have. On top of that, I've started thinking like a fat person too. (So far, I'm not ashamed to share these thoughts with you because the consequences of my actions have not caught up with me as of yet. But rest assured, I am on the cankle train, and my stop is coming up fast.)
The other day, I was sitting on the couch eating my second bowl of spaghetti and watching The Big Bang Theory when a commercial for McDonalds came on. The craving hit me like the cankle train. My boyfriend was sitting at his desk a few feet away from me, and I said to him through a mouthful of noodles and sauce: "I wish McDonald's delivered"...
I just want you to think about that for a second, and how absolutely pitiful that is. Let it sink in a little.
All my boyfriend did was laugh and went back to whatever he was doing, but I sat there staring at the TV rethinking the words I had just uttered, and wondered how my life had gone so terribly wrong. So wrong, that on a Friday night, I was sitting eating cold spaghetti watching The Big Bang Theory, wishing that I could call up McDonald's and order a BigMac and an Apple Pie. What is wrong with me!?
Obviously, the psychological part is pretty destructive on its own, but it has started to seep into other aspects of my life. Like my finances. A few days ago, I came home from class and begged my boyfriend to take a break from work so that we could go down the street to the Korean restaurant. He kindly obliged me, so I insisted on paying. I was pretty hungry--go figure--so I ordered an entree, a side of rice, a drink, and a side of edamames. On top of my boyfriend's order, I ended up paying over 30$ for lunch.
Totally satisfied with my meal (but still not totally full), we returned home and I decided to check my credit card balance, pretending that I am a functional adult. It turns out that with the last charge, I had just about maxed out my credit card on Korean food, leaving myself with a few dollars for any other expense. Usually, I would have left the credit on there so that I couldn't buy anything else, but I had already resolved with myself earlier that morning that I was going to go to the grocery store later that day to get myself some more nutella. So what did I do? I payed that motherfuckin credit card off so that I could get myself another jar of creamy hazelnut heaven!
And on top of all of my pathetic behavior, I can't do any more of my exercise videos because I look like a total asshole when I try to keep up with those beefed-up supermodel action-figure teachers, and I would rather die than let my boyfriend see me struggle like that. It is the epitome of unattractive.
ALL ABOOOOOARD!
Monday, January 9, 2012
Last Year For The Human Race
According to popular belief, the human race will cease to exist come the end of this year. Apparently, thousands of years ago, Mayans created a very accurate calendar that ended in the year of 2012. However, what people don't understand is that this information has been interpreted incorrectly. The calendar is cyclical. The world does not end in 2012, the calendar just starts from the beginning. So all you dumbass people who think that Jesus is just going to fly out of the sky on December 21st and be like, "Ok, you, you, you, and I think you. Come with me. The rest of you burn in hell. LOL BYE!" you'd better get your shit together, because we ain't goin no where.
So in preparing for the new year, I have decided to make a few resolutions. And after 10+ years of resolution making, I've discovered a few things to help trick myself into sticking with them.
NUMBER 1
Keep it short. About 5 should do the trick.
NUMBER 2
Make sure they are all worth accomplishing, and reasonably accomplishable.
NUMBER 3
Some should be exact, some should be broad, and all should be POSITIVE YEAH!
This is what my list looks like:
1. Get a job
2. Make some friends
3. Audition for a movie
4. Figure out what I'm going to do with my life
5. Become a badass
Now the first two are specific, as well as pathetic. But they are concrete things that I can either achieve or cannot by the end of the year. There are no loopholes or fancy exceptions. Either I will end the year as a popular and successful human being, or I will continue to be a loser.
The third is a whim. I've always wanted to be in a movie, even if it's just an independent crappy film. So I've signed up for a few talent search websites and have decided that I am going to pick a movie or a photo shoot to model for, and audition.
The last two are pretty nebulous, which is important. This way, I can pick different things throughout the year and attribute them to these goals and feel good about myself. Your resolutions shouldn't all be self critical; sometimes you need to set yourself up to win. Not only will this make you feel better about yourself, but it will also spur you to continue to improve yourself.
Just to clarify a little, when I say "become a badass", that means I want to pick something to become really really good at. I find that I'm decent at most things that I try, and that's awesome, but I would love to find something that I'm really good at and that I love and to master it and TOTALLY OWN. Preferably, I'd like this to be a badass thing, like shooting guns, or fencing, or pearl diving, or riding a motorcycle, or becoming a blacksmith.
You see what I mean about resolutions? You have to get yourself on track, but you have to give yourself a win, too. My list accomplishes both, and it is a pretty good list. A bad list looks like this:
1. Don't eat too much
2. Go to the gym everyday
3. Wake up earlier
4. Don't be such a loser
5. Take out the trash when it gets full
6. Read a book a week
7. Make dean's list
8. Make friends with everyone in your building
9. You're fat
10. No one likes you
There are too many things on that list and together, they are almost impossible to achieve. Not to mention, you're making yourself feel like shit, chill out.
A bad list can also look like this:
1. Love yourself more
2. World peace
3. Adopt babies from Russia with birth defects
Also, this:
1. Take out the trash
2. Do the dishes
3. Get a glass of water
4. Change the shower curtain
You have to make sure that you can accomplish the things you set out for yourself, while at the same time, making sure that they are worth accomplishing.
I hope that you can take some advice from this, and that you make an effort to make the most of this year, since we're not all going to burn up in a ball of hellfire this December.
Happy New Year!
So in preparing for the new year, I have decided to make a few resolutions. And after 10+ years of resolution making, I've discovered a few things to help trick myself into sticking with them.
NUMBER 1
Keep it short. About 5 should do the trick.
NUMBER 2
Make sure they are all worth accomplishing, and reasonably accomplishable.
NUMBER 3
Some should be exact, some should be broad, and all should be POSITIVE YEAH!
This is what my list looks like:
1. Get a job
2. Make some friends
3. Audition for a movie
4. Figure out what I'm going to do with my life
5. Become a badass
Now the first two are specific, as well as pathetic. But they are concrete things that I can either achieve or cannot by the end of the year. There are no loopholes or fancy exceptions. Either I will end the year as a popular and successful human being, or I will continue to be a loser.
The third is a whim. I've always wanted to be in a movie, even if it's just an independent crappy film. So I've signed up for a few talent search websites and have decided that I am going to pick a movie or a photo shoot to model for, and audition.
The last two are pretty nebulous, which is important. This way, I can pick different things throughout the year and attribute them to these goals and feel good about myself. Your resolutions shouldn't all be self critical; sometimes you need to set yourself up to win. Not only will this make you feel better about yourself, but it will also spur you to continue to improve yourself.
Just to clarify a little, when I say "become a badass", that means I want to pick something to become really really good at. I find that I'm decent at most things that I try, and that's awesome, but I would love to find something that I'm really good at and that I love and to master it and TOTALLY OWN. Preferably, I'd like this to be a badass thing, like shooting guns, or fencing, or pearl diving, or riding a motorcycle, or becoming a blacksmith.
You see what I mean about resolutions? You have to get yourself on track, but you have to give yourself a win, too. My list accomplishes both, and it is a pretty good list. A bad list looks like this:
1. Don't eat too much
2. Go to the gym everyday
3. Wake up earlier
4. Don't be such a loser
5. Take out the trash when it gets full
6. Read a book a week
7. Make dean's list
8. Make friends with everyone in your building
9. You're fat
10. No one likes you
There are too many things on that list and together, they are almost impossible to achieve. Not to mention, you're making yourself feel like shit, chill out.
A bad list can also look like this:
1. Love yourself more
2. World peace
3. Adopt babies from Russia with birth defects
Also, this:
1. Take out the trash
2. Do the dishes
3. Get a glass of water
4. Change the shower curtain
You have to make sure that you can accomplish the things you set out for yourself, while at the same time, making sure that they are worth accomplishing.
I hope that you can take some advice from this, and that you make an effort to make the most of this year, since we're not all going to burn up in a ball of hellfire this December.
Happy New Year!
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Christmas is a Jewish Conspiracy
Christmas is a pretty major part of American tradition. Everyone eats incredible amounts of fatty Christmas food, and buys each other presents, and remembers the birth of their dear, dear Jesus-man. The vast majority of the population stews in this Christmas spirit for months, preparing everything for that special day when they get to bask in their third world privileges. Before I go trashing Christians and America any more, I'd like to make it clear that I also fall into this category. I have been anticipating the crap out of Christmas for the past few months, and I am not about to let my own speculations ruin this beauteous time of year for me.
But for myself and the vast amounts of others like me, we think that the world stops turning on Christmas. All the stores are closed, all the streets are empty, and everyone is with their families eating hams and opening presents and getting piss drunk on eggnog. BUT THAT IS NOT TRUE! (And if' you've ever been scheduled to work on Christmas day, you'd know that these fantasies are a fallacy! Fantasy fallacies!)
There are restaurants still bringing in customers, and movie theaters are full and the streets are teeming...with Jews.
My mother and I were talking about this while she was cutting my hair, and I had been gushing with Christmas lovey goo when she brought to my attention that the universe doesn't stop for Christmas.
"Christmas is so nice. Everyone just takes a break to be with the people they love and the world just kind of takes a break, you know?"
"You know Alex, not everyone is inside their houses on Christmas. Some people have other things to do."
"Yeah right, like who?!"
"Well, Jews."
And that's where I stopped realizing, because I realized that Christmas is just a big Jewish conspiracy!
Allow me to explain: a large portion of the American population celebrates Christmas, leaving the whole country vacant for Jews (and others who don't celebrate pagan rituals). Preposterous you say? Not so! They get all the best seats in the movies, they get to eat out at fancy restaurants without having to wait 50 minutes to be seated (damn you Olive Garden!), and they get to walk through the department stores like they own the freaking place. It's all part of their plan to take over! They intentionally hype up Christmas in their stores and at their social gatherings, making sure that everyone will leave them alone on that glorious day.
"Yesssss," they tell their Christian friends, "isn't Christmas just a lovely time of year? Time to be inside, away from the stores and parking lots." Those scheming geniuses!
They want to make sure that the streets are empty for them to prowl freely while everyone else is inside naively sipping Peppermint Schnapps out of a Santa Claus mug. --You know the one I mean.
Just to clarify, I am in no way poking fun at Jewish traditions, or insinuating that they are plotting to destroy the earth, or even suggesting that they are bad people. I love Jews! Have you ever had matzoh ball soup? Shaaaaaaalom. I'm just pointing out that they are a crafty bunch, and they have been tricking us Christmas celebrators out of good theater seats and Christmas day sales for YEARS! And if we are ever going to be the first ones in line for a hot apple pie, or a fresh Reuben sandwich, we had better start catching on to their little plans.
Because like I said, they are a crafty bunch.
But for myself and the vast amounts of others like me, we think that the world stops turning on Christmas. All the stores are closed, all the streets are empty, and everyone is with their families eating hams and opening presents and getting piss drunk on eggnog. BUT THAT IS NOT TRUE! (And if' you've ever been scheduled to work on Christmas day, you'd know that these fantasies are a fallacy! Fantasy fallacies!)
There are restaurants still bringing in customers, and movie theaters are full and the streets are teeming...with Jews.
My mother and I were talking about this while she was cutting my hair, and I had been gushing with Christmas lovey goo when she brought to my attention that the universe doesn't stop for Christmas.
"Christmas is so nice. Everyone just takes a break to be with the people they love and the world just kind of takes a break, you know?"
"You know Alex, not everyone is inside their houses on Christmas. Some people have other things to do."
"Yeah right, like who?!"
"Well, Jews."
And that's where I stopped realizing, because I realized that Christmas is just a big Jewish conspiracy!
Allow me to explain: a large portion of the American population celebrates Christmas, leaving the whole country vacant for Jews (and others who don't celebrate pagan rituals). Preposterous you say? Not so! They get all the best seats in the movies, they get to eat out at fancy restaurants without having to wait 50 minutes to be seated (damn you Olive Garden!), and they get to walk through the department stores like they own the freaking place. It's all part of their plan to take over! They intentionally hype up Christmas in their stores and at their social gatherings, making sure that everyone will leave them alone on that glorious day.
"Yesssss," they tell their Christian friends, "isn't Christmas just a lovely time of year? Time to be inside, away from the stores and parking lots." Those scheming geniuses!
They want to make sure that the streets are empty for them to prowl freely while everyone else is inside naively sipping Peppermint Schnapps out of a Santa Claus mug. --You know the one I mean.
Just to clarify, I am in no way poking fun at Jewish traditions, or insinuating that they are plotting to destroy the earth, or even suggesting that they are bad people. I love Jews! Have you ever had matzoh ball soup? Shaaaaaaalom. I'm just pointing out that they are a crafty bunch, and they have been tricking us Christmas celebrators out of good theater seats and Christmas day sales for YEARS! And if we are ever going to be the first ones in line for a hot apple pie, or a fresh Reuben sandwich, we had better start catching on to their little plans.
Because like I said, they are a crafty bunch.
Not A Survivor
I'm sure that you are all familiar to some extent with the theory of evolution. Whether or not you believe in evolution v. creationism is another debate that I'm not going to get into. All I'm saying is that I'm sure everyone is aware of this theory, yes? Ok, good.
So according to Darwin, species are able to evolve through the concept of "survival of the fittest". This means that if you are lucky enough to be able to adapt to new life styles, habitats, environments, or to stay alive in trying situations, then CONGRATULATIONS, you are a master of evolution!
This being said, I'm pretty sure that I am not a survivor.
As a prerequisite for evolution, all intelligent organisms are endowed with the "fight-or-flight" reaction. This means that when faced with any sort of crisis, most people and animals have the ability to either run from the issue (a popular choice for most species) or fight it off. When it comes to physical matters, I am not capable of this reaction. Instead of opting for either choice A) Fight, or B)Flight, I chose option C) Freeze in place and wait to die. It's like my instincts are actively trying to stop me from perpetuating my genes.
(As a caveat, I don't seem to have this issue when it comes to mental/emotional crises. I guess my instincts value my mind more than my body. Stupid body.)
You think I'm exaggerating? Let me explain to you my biggest evolutionary flaw.
The first time I realized that I lacked any sort of survival instincts was when I was about 7, give or take. I was playing around in the kitchen with my sister, and there was this reasonably big Ficus tree that my step-mom kept in a pot by the doorway. I was running into the kitchen and dropped to my knees to slide through the door, but misjudged my speed and went careening into the pot. Some how I ended up on my back with the Ficus tree falling in slow motion towards me. I had plenty of time to get up and get out of the way to avoid being smushed, but instead, I just stayed where I was and watched the tree fall on top of me. After a few similar instances where I was in immediate physical harm but chose to do nothing about it, I realized that this was not normal. Most people either try to get out of the way, or to try defend themselves. These options never even cross my mind when I am faced with physical crises. I just immediately accept my fate and wait to die. Trust me, I wish that my first thought when a car is rushing towards me is "Oh my God, I should probably get the fuck out of the way before I get smeared". But instead, it goes more like "Oh my God, this is going to hurt so bad. I wonder if this will actually kill me, or if I will just have to pay a huge hospital bill. I hope my mom's insurance will cover this."
It's amazing that I've lasted this long. Not only am I unable to cope with impending physical harm, but I seem to put myself in situations where good survival instincts would be helpful. (You can refer to my scary homeless man story.)
Since I seem to be able to cope more with mental and emotional stress better than physical stress, I've come to the conclusion that maybe I am just so highly developed that my body is no longer a priority. Maybe in the future, none of us will even have bodies; we'll all just be floating brains or personalities that interact telepathically. Maybe that's what I'm all geared up for, and my body is just keeping me from reaching my full potential. But seeing as we're all still walking around with skin and organs, I'd say that's a pretty gross misjudgment on my part.
And that is exactly the type of mistake a non-survivor would make.
So according to Darwin, species are able to evolve through the concept of "survival of the fittest". This means that if you are lucky enough to be able to adapt to new life styles, habitats, environments, or to stay alive in trying situations, then CONGRATULATIONS, you are a master of evolution!
This being said, I'm pretty sure that I am not a survivor.
As a prerequisite for evolution, all intelligent organisms are endowed with the "fight-or-flight" reaction. This means that when faced with any sort of crisis, most people and animals have the ability to either run from the issue (a popular choice for most species) or fight it off. When it comes to physical matters, I am not capable of this reaction. Instead of opting for either choice A) Fight, or B)Flight, I chose option C) Freeze in place and wait to die. It's like my instincts are actively trying to stop me from perpetuating my genes.
(As a caveat, I don't seem to have this issue when it comes to mental/emotional crises. I guess my instincts value my mind more than my body. Stupid body.)
You think I'm exaggerating? Let me explain to you my biggest evolutionary flaw.
The first time I realized that I lacked any sort of survival instincts was when I was about 7, give or take. I was playing around in the kitchen with my sister, and there was this reasonably big Ficus tree that my step-mom kept in a pot by the doorway. I was running into the kitchen and dropped to my knees to slide through the door, but misjudged my speed and went careening into the pot. Some how I ended up on my back with the Ficus tree falling in slow motion towards me. I had plenty of time to get up and get out of the way to avoid being smushed, but instead, I just stayed where I was and watched the tree fall on top of me. After a few similar instances where I was in immediate physical harm but chose to do nothing about it, I realized that this was not normal. Most people either try to get out of the way, or to try defend themselves. These options never even cross my mind when I am faced with physical crises. I just immediately accept my fate and wait to die. Trust me, I wish that my first thought when a car is rushing towards me is "Oh my God, I should probably get the fuck out of the way before I get smeared". But instead, it goes more like "Oh my God, this is going to hurt so bad. I wonder if this will actually kill me, or if I will just have to pay a huge hospital bill. I hope my mom's insurance will cover this."
It's amazing that I've lasted this long. Not only am I unable to cope with impending physical harm, but I seem to put myself in situations where good survival instincts would be helpful. (You can refer to my scary homeless man story.)
Since I seem to be able to cope more with mental and emotional stress better than physical stress, I've come to the conclusion that maybe I am just so highly developed that my body is no longer a priority. Maybe in the future, none of us will even have bodies; we'll all just be floating brains or personalities that interact telepathically. Maybe that's what I'm all geared up for, and my body is just keeping me from reaching my full potential. But seeing as we're all still walking around with skin and organs, I'd say that's a pretty gross misjudgment on my part.
And that is exactly the type of mistake a non-survivor would make.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
I Am a Master Chef
So I've been making some seriously delicious food lately, and I decided that I would share my recipes with you.
FURST:
Rice Goes to Bollywood
De Rice:
1. Get a box of Basmati Rice
2. Take the measurements for water from the box, and replace it with 2 parts coconut milk, and 1 part water
3. Pour liquids and rice into a pot.
4. Add about a teaspoon of
-curry powder
-red pepper flakes
-1/2 tsp of onion powder
5. Bring to a boil, stirring often and then cover and reduce to a simmer for as long as the box tells you to.
While your rice is cooking, start the other ingredients. When your rice is done, remove from heat and put off to the side for later.
De Eggz
1. Take about a tsp of olive oil and scramble 2-3 eggs in it.
2. Remove from heat and put them in a bowl for later.
De Vegs.
1. 1/4 cup of
-red peppers
-carrots*
-chopped string beans
-peas
2. 1-2 chopped chilis
*try to use frozen carrots so that when you thaw them, they will be soft and will cook faster
2. Put your veggies into your frying pan
3. Add about a tablespoon or more of olive oil,
-2 tsp curry powder
-1 more tsp of red pepper flakes
-tsp of crushed garlic
-tblsp of soy sauce
- the LIIIITTLEST splash of sesame oil
-a PINCH of cinnamon
4. Fry the veggies in this delicious sauce concoction until they are about half cooked, then add the rice, and then finally the eggs.
5. Mix together and put in a bowl and ENJOY THE CRAP OUT OF IT!
There are no pictures of the finished product because my boyfriend really likes coconut curry rice, but this is the type of rice I used. I realize it's not basmati, but this stuff only costs a dollar at the Fresh Grocer, and I use the packs of seasoning to fry vegetables for OTHER things. Smart.
SECUND:
The Incredible Mash
1. Chop up about 4 cups of potatoes so they are all reasonably the size of your nose.
2. Put them in a pot and fill that pot with water until the water just barely covers the top of your tatoes.
3. Add a few shakes of red pepper flakes, garlic salt, and pepper.
4. Bring to a boil and cook until you can poke a fork through your potatoes like they was buttah.
5. Remove from heat, strain, and put back in your pot so it stays warm.
6. Add more red pepper flakes to your preference, add more garlic salt and NO more pepper.
7. Add about a cup of sour cream, a few spoonfuls of cream cheese, and a few splashes of milk
8. MIX DAT AWL UP and mash your tatoes guuuud.
9. Eat that delicious motherfucker and enjoy how amazing you are.
10. NOW THERE ARE TEN STEPS!
Mmmmmmm Potatoes.
FURST:
Rice Goes to Bollywood
De Rice:
1. Get a box of Basmati Rice
2. Take the measurements for water from the box, and replace it with 2 parts coconut milk, and 1 part water
3. Pour liquids and rice into a pot.
4. Add about a teaspoon of
-curry powder
-red pepper flakes
-1/2 tsp of onion powder
5. Bring to a boil, stirring often and then cover and reduce to a simmer for as long as the box tells you to.
While your rice is cooking, start the other ingredients. When your rice is done, remove from heat and put off to the side for later.
De Eggz
1. Take about a tsp of olive oil and scramble 2-3 eggs in it.
2. Remove from heat and put them in a bowl for later.
De Vegs.
1. 1/4 cup of
-red peppers
-carrots*
-chopped string beans
-peas
2. 1-2 chopped chilis
*try to use frozen carrots so that when you thaw them, they will be soft and will cook faster
2. Put your veggies into your frying pan
3. Add about a tablespoon or more of olive oil,
-2 tsp curry powder
-1 more tsp of red pepper flakes
-tsp of crushed garlic
-tblsp of soy sauce
- the LIIIITTLEST splash of sesame oil
-a PINCH of cinnamon
4. Fry the veggies in this delicious sauce concoction until they are about half cooked, then add the rice, and then finally the eggs.
5. Mix together and put in a bowl and ENJOY THE CRAP OUT OF IT!
There are no pictures of the finished product because my boyfriend really likes coconut curry rice, but this is the type of rice I used. I realize it's not basmati, but this stuff only costs a dollar at the Fresh Grocer, and I use the packs of seasoning to fry vegetables for OTHER things. Smart.
SECUND:
The Incredible Mash
1. Chop up about 4 cups of potatoes so they are all reasonably the size of your nose.
2. Put them in a pot and fill that pot with water until the water just barely covers the top of your tatoes.
3. Add a few shakes of red pepper flakes, garlic salt, and pepper.
4. Bring to a boil and cook until you can poke a fork through your potatoes like they was buttah.
5. Remove from heat, strain, and put back in your pot so it stays warm.
6. Add more red pepper flakes to your preference, add more garlic salt and NO more pepper.
7. Add about a cup of sour cream, a few spoonfuls of cream cheese, and a few splashes of milk
8. MIX DAT AWL UP and mash your tatoes guuuud.
9. Eat that delicious motherfucker and enjoy how amazing you are.
10. NOW THERE ARE TEN STEPS!
Mmmmmmm Potatoes.
My "High Society" Post
As I was brainstorming my next post, I became aware of a connection between art and writing, which lead me to realize that I was disappointed in myself as a writer. Allow me to explain:
When you look at a piece of art, it can be considered "good" for many reasons. In my mind, they can be boiled down to aesthetics, and meaning. ("Meaning" being a very, very broad term.) So when you look at a piece of art, you can enjoy it for it's visual appeal through means of color, lines, etc. But if it doesn't represent anything or send any sort of message, then is it really worth anything? In other words, what else does it have to offer except being "pretty". This is the same thing with writing. When I write things, I don't want them to just be flowery words about my daily life. That would be the same as painting a picture of a lamp shade. It could be a very pretty lampshade, but that's all it's good for. When you create something, you want it to be appealing, but also meaningful and intelligent.
When you look at artists like Picaso and Dali, (cliched examples, I know) they take that visual appeal and create a piece of art. You know what I mean when I say a "piece of art"? I mean they transcend those aesthetics to create art that impacts a society and changes the history of art forever.
Let's look at Picaso's Demoiselles D'Avignon. In his original sketches, you can see that he wanted to create a brothel scene with women surrounding some gentlemen. His original idea was to create this really controversial scene and include his audience in it. The two men are meant to represent all men. The sailor is a very dominant and boisterous man who is fully engaged and surrounded by prostitutes. The journalist is reserved and sensitive and acts as more of an observer. Not only can any man project himself into this picture if he wished, but the painting actively draws viewers in by making them sit at the table that is jutting directly into the painting.
This scene, however, has been done before, at least in bits and pieces. Brothels have been cropping up in paintings and sculptures since their creation, and one of the most typical characteristics of the entire baroque style is to engage its viewers in the art. This painting is thought provoking and nice to look at and that's that. However, Picaso takes this sketch, and enhances it to create the most ground-breaking work in the decade, at least!
This final product maintains the controversy that was established in the first sketch, while adding Iberian and and Ancient Tribal influences, while also disregarding space and dimensions almost completely. Because of this change, the painting single-handedly spearheaded the Primitivist/Cubist movement. It was in this transition that he took his mediocre and visually pleasing sketch, and created a "work of art".
The same thing can happen in writing. If you tell me a story about how you went to the store to buy groceries and ended up saving a puppy from a forest fire and radioactive space bears, that would be pretty rad, but it's not going to change the world. When I think about how I've been essentially treating my blog like a diary, that makes me sad. While my stories might make you laugh, they're not going to make you think about the world in a different way, or challenge you as a human being. But on the other hand, if I wrote posts like this all the time, I have a feeling no one would be interested in reading my blog after a while.
My point is, when I write, I don't want it to be just words. I want those words to become questions and answers and hilarious awesomeness and STUFF. That's why I feel guilty about just talking about myself all the time and telling you stories about my life. I'm not saying I'm going to stop, because it's freaking fun, but I am going to try harder to maintain some literary integrity with posts like these. This way, I can continue to challenge myself, and hopefully challenge my readers, which is what great artistes like myself strive to do.
When you look at a piece of art, it can be considered "good" for many reasons. In my mind, they can be boiled down to aesthetics, and meaning. ("Meaning" being a very, very broad term.) So when you look at a piece of art, you can enjoy it for it's visual appeal through means of color, lines, etc. But if it doesn't represent anything or send any sort of message, then is it really worth anything? In other words, what else does it have to offer except being "pretty". This is the same thing with writing. When I write things, I don't want them to just be flowery words about my daily life. That would be the same as painting a picture of a lamp shade. It could be a very pretty lampshade, but that's all it's good for. When you create something, you want it to be appealing, but also meaningful and intelligent.
When you look at artists like Picaso and Dali, (cliched examples, I know) they take that visual appeal and create a piece of art. You know what I mean when I say a "piece of art"? I mean they transcend those aesthetics to create art that impacts a society and changes the history of art forever.
Let's look at Picaso's Demoiselles D'Avignon. In his original sketches, you can see that he wanted to create a brothel scene with women surrounding some gentlemen. His original idea was to create this really controversial scene and include his audience in it. The two men are meant to represent all men. The sailor is a very dominant and boisterous man who is fully engaged and surrounded by prostitutes. The journalist is reserved and sensitive and acts as more of an observer. Not only can any man project himself into this picture if he wished, but the painting actively draws viewers in by making them sit at the table that is jutting directly into the painting.
The same thing can happen in writing. If you tell me a story about how you went to the store to buy groceries and ended up saving a puppy from a forest fire and radioactive space bears, that would be pretty rad, but it's not going to change the world. When I think about how I've been essentially treating my blog like a diary, that makes me sad. While my stories might make you laugh, they're not going to make you think about the world in a different way, or challenge you as a human being. But on the other hand, if I wrote posts like this all the time, I have a feeling no one would be interested in reading my blog after a while.
My point is, when I write, I don't want it to be just words. I want those words to become questions and answers and hilarious awesomeness and STUFF. That's why I feel guilty about just talking about myself all the time and telling you stories about my life. I'm not saying I'm going to stop, because it's freaking fun, but I am going to try harder to maintain some literary integrity with posts like these. This way, I can continue to challenge myself, and hopefully challenge my readers, which is what great artistes like myself strive to do.
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