I subscribe to the idea that everyone needs at least one "win" everyday to feel good about themselves. (I also subscribe to the 'Seven Friendly Touches' per day idea, but we'll get to that later.) These "wins" can be little things like making the train just as the doors are closing, or they can be massive achievements, like getting anything higher than a 70% on a math test. Since I seldom get big wins, and I'm also a fragile human with an unstable self image, I like to set myself up so that I win CONSTANTLY.
I woke up this morning and looked in the mirror and my skin looked ballin as shit. Win!
The first word I said today was bacon. Um, Win!
I took a call from a customer at work and answered all her questions correctly. Adult Win!
I keep track of these all day so by the end of the day, I'm feeling pretty good about myself. But sometimes, when I'm not having a winning day, or I'm not really doing anything to win at, I like to make it easy for myself. To get myself to remember how awesome I am, I like to play word games, since I am a self proclaimed master of words and letters...and rice, but that's a story for another time.
One of my favorite games is something I like to call "Acronym LOL". Just to demonstrate how much I OWN at this game, let me share a few acronyms with you, and I will give you the first thing that comes to my mind when I read them.
NDA: Non-Disclosure Agreement? Or Nerds Dance Alone?
LLC: Limited Liability Company? Or Lemurs Love Coconuts?
NBC: National Broadcasting Corporation? Or Nasty Butt Cheese?
HPV: Human Papoloma Virus? Or Hairy Purple Vaginas?
NRA: National Rifle Association? Or Naughty Republican Assholes?
FBI: Federal Bureau of Investigation? Or Fat Bitches in Igloos?
I realize that those were getting progressively more inappropriate, but I couldn't help myself. Oh how I make mineself LOL. My boyfriend and I play that game from time to time, and I must say that he is a worthy opponent, but that I always come out on top. (I happened to win our most recent match with Lemurs Love Coconuts. Frickin genius.)
This is something that I love to do in my head during Alex Time because it just makes me feel happy about myself. With every imaginative and hilarious acronym, I am remind of what a comedic genius I am. Besides, I love making myself laugh.
Brace yourselves, I'm about to digress...
When you can think of a joke or an awesome Acronym LOL that is so funny, so brilliant, so earth shatteringly perfect that you make YOURSELF laugh, then you know you've created gold. I like to equate jokes to tickling yourself, or smelling your own breath. If your breath is so nasty that you can smell it, you KNOW you got some stanky-ass breath. If you can catch yourself off guard and tickle yourself and achieve the same sensation as if someone else were doing it, then you are the freaking master of tickles. Jokes are the same way. If your joke is so good that you can make you laugh, then it must be an incredible freaking joke! I mean, you already know what the punch line to your own joke is, so if you still think it's funny even though it burst forth from your own brain loins, then it must be off the charts.
That's how I like to picture my jokes. Because I KNOW I'm hilarious. And that's how I Win.
I'd also like to give you guys the opportunity to share with me your own brilliant Acronym LOLs. Put them in the comments, and whosoever creates the most incredible LOL of them all will receive a special and legitimate prize. WIN!
Friday, January 27, 2012
Sunday, January 22, 2012
I'm Turning Into A Fat Person
Ever since I've moved back into my apartment, I haven't been able to stop eating. I've always had a pretty crazy appetite, but this is getting out of hand. You'll know based on my last post, that I was going to try to be awesome this year, and a part of that being awesome was to start eating healthier and taking care of my body. So that lasted aboooout, hmmmm...a week? I went to a few yoga classes, watched a few 10 minute exercise videos, and then ended up back on the couch watching 30 Rock with a jar of cookie dough. (The cliche is just so perfect.)
The only thing is, I literally can't stop. I'm hungry every minute of every day. It's not even that I can't stop craving food, it's that I can't feel full anymore. Is it possible to spontaneously develop a thyroid problem? Because that's what I have. On top of that, I've started thinking like a fat person too. (So far, I'm not ashamed to share these thoughts with you because the consequences of my actions have not caught up with me as of yet. But rest assured, I am on the cankle train, and my stop is coming up fast.)
The other day, I was sitting on the couch eating my second bowl of spaghetti and watching The Big Bang Theory when a commercial for McDonalds came on. The craving hit me like the cankle train. My boyfriend was sitting at his desk a few feet away from me, and I said to him through a mouthful of noodles and sauce: "I wish McDonald's delivered"...
I just want you to think about that for a second, and how absolutely pitiful that is. Let it sink in a little.
All my boyfriend did was laugh and went back to whatever he was doing, but I sat there staring at the TV rethinking the words I had just uttered, and wondered how my life had gone so terribly wrong. So wrong, that on a Friday night, I was sitting eating cold spaghetti watching The Big Bang Theory, wishing that I could call up McDonald's and order a BigMac and an Apple Pie. What is wrong with me!?
Obviously, the psychological part is pretty destructive on its own, but it has started to seep into other aspects of my life. Like my finances. A few days ago, I came home from class and begged my boyfriend to take a break from work so that we could go down the street to the Korean restaurant. He kindly obliged me, so I insisted on paying. I was pretty hungry--go figure--so I ordered an entree, a side of rice, a drink, and a side of edamames. On top of my boyfriend's order, I ended up paying over 30$ for lunch.
Totally satisfied with my meal (but still not totally full), we returned home and I decided to check my credit card balance, pretending that I am a functional adult. It turns out that with the last charge, I had just about maxed out my credit card on Korean food, leaving myself with a few dollars for any other expense. Usually, I would have left the credit on there so that I couldn't buy anything else, but I had already resolved with myself earlier that morning that I was going to go to the grocery store later that day to get myself some more nutella. So what did I do? I payed that motherfuckin credit card off so that I could get myself another jar of creamy hazelnut heaven!
And on top of all of my pathetic behavior, I can't do any more of my exercise videos because I look like a total asshole when I try to keep up with those beefed-up supermodel action-figure teachers, and I would rather die than let my boyfriend see me struggle like that. It is the epitome of unattractive.
ALL ABOOOOOARD!
The only thing is, I literally can't stop. I'm hungry every minute of every day. It's not even that I can't stop craving food, it's that I can't feel full anymore. Is it possible to spontaneously develop a thyroid problem? Because that's what I have. On top of that, I've started thinking like a fat person too. (So far, I'm not ashamed to share these thoughts with you because the consequences of my actions have not caught up with me as of yet. But rest assured, I am on the cankle train, and my stop is coming up fast.)
The other day, I was sitting on the couch eating my second bowl of spaghetti and watching The Big Bang Theory when a commercial for McDonalds came on. The craving hit me like the cankle train. My boyfriend was sitting at his desk a few feet away from me, and I said to him through a mouthful of noodles and sauce: "I wish McDonald's delivered"...
I just want you to think about that for a second, and how absolutely pitiful that is. Let it sink in a little.
All my boyfriend did was laugh and went back to whatever he was doing, but I sat there staring at the TV rethinking the words I had just uttered, and wondered how my life had gone so terribly wrong. So wrong, that on a Friday night, I was sitting eating cold spaghetti watching The Big Bang Theory, wishing that I could call up McDonald's and order a BigMac and an Apple Pie. What is wrong with me!?
Obviously, the psychological part is pretty destructive on its own, but it has started to seep into other aspects of my life. Like my finances. A few days ago, I came home from class and begged my boyfriend to take a break from work so that we could go down the street to the Korean restaurant. He kindly obliged me, so I insisted on paying. I was pretty hungry--go figure--so I ordered an entree, a side of rice, a drink, and a side of edamames. On top of my boyfriend's order, I ended up paying over 30$ for lunch.
Totally satisfied with my meal (but still not totally full), we returned home and I decided to check my credit card balance, pretending that I am a functional adult. It turns out that with the last charge, I had just about maxed out my credit card on Korean food, leaving myself with a few dollars for any other expense. Usually, I would have left the credit on there so that I couldn't buy anything else, but I had already resolved with myself earlier that morning that I was going to go to the grocery store later that day to get myself some more nutella. So what did I do? I payed that motherfuckin credit card off so that I could get myself another jar of creamy hazelnut heaven!
And on top of all of my pathetic behavior, I can't do any more of my exercise videos because I look like a total asshole when I try to keep up with those beefed-up supermodel action-figure teachers, and I would rather die than let my boyfriend see me struggle like that. It is the epitome of unattractive.
ALL ABOOOOOARD!
Monday, January 9, 2012
Last Year For The Human Race
According to popular belief, the human race will cease to exist come the end of this year. Apparently, thousands of years ago, Mayans created a very accurate calendar that ended in the year of 2012. However, what people don't understand is that this information has been interpreted incorrectly. The calendar is cyclical. The world does not end in 2012, the calendar just starts from the beginning. So all you dumbass people who think that Jesus is just going to fly out of the sky on December 21st and be like, "Ok, you, you, you, and I think you. Come with me. The rest of you burn in hell. LOL BYE!" you'd better get your shit together, because we ain't goin no where.
So in preparing for the new year, I have decided to make a few resolutions. And after 10+ years of resolution making, I've discovered a few things to help trick myself into sticking with them.
NUMBER 1
Keep it short. About 5 should do the trick.
NUMBER 2
Make sure they are all worth accomplishing, and reasonably accomplishable.
NUMBER 3
Some should be exact, some should be broad, and all should be POSITIVE YEAH!
This is what my list looks like:
1. Get a job
2. Make some friends
3. Audition for a movie
4. Figure out what I'm going to do with my life
5. Become a badass
Now the first two are specific, as well as pathetic. But they are concrete things that I can either achieve or cannot by the end of the year. There are no loopholes or fancy exceptions. Either I will end the year as a popular and successful human being, or I will continue to be a loser.
The third is a whim. I've always wanted to be in a movie, even if it's just an independent crappy film. So I've signed up for a few talent search websites and have decided that I am going to pick a movie or a photo shoot to model for, and audition.
The last two are pretty nebulous, which is important. This way, I can pick different things throughout the year and attribute them to these goals and feel good about myself. Your resolutions shouldn't all be self critical; sometimes you need to set yourself up to win. Not only will this make you feel better about yourself, but it will also spur you to continue to improve yourself.
Just to clarify a little, when I say "become a badass", that means I want to pick something to become really really good at. I find that I'm decent at most things that I try, and that's awesome, but I would love to find something that I'm really good at and that I love and to master it and TOTALLY OWN. Preferably, I'd like this to be a badass thing, like shooting guns, or fencing, or pearl diving, or riding a motorcycle, or becoming a blacksmith.
You see what I mean about resolutions? You have to get yourself on track, but you have to give yourself a win, too. My list accomplishes both, and it is a pretty good list. A bad list looks like this:
1. Don't eat too much
2. Go to the gym everyday
3. Wake up earlier
4. Don't be such a loser
5. Take out the trash when it gets full
6. Read a book a week
7. Make dean's list
8. Make friends with everyone in your building
9. You're fat
10. No one likes you
There are too many things on that list and together, they are almost impossible to achieve. Not to mention, you're making yourself feel like shit, chill out.
A bad list can also look like this:
1. Love yourself more
2. World peace
3. Adopt babies from Russia with birth defects
Also, this:
1. Take out the trash
2. Do the dishes
3. Get a glass of water
4. Change the shower curtain
You have to make sure that you can accomplish the things you set out for yourself, while at the same time, making sure that they are worth accomplishing.
I hope that you can take some advice from this, and that you make an effort to make the most of this year, since we're not all going to burn up in a ball of hellfire this December.
Happy New Year!
So in preparing for the new year, I have decided to make a few resolutions. And after 10+ years of resolution making, I've discovered a few things to help trick myself into sticking with them.
NUMBER 1
Keep it short. About 5 should do the trick.
NUMBER 2
Make sure they are all worth accomplishing, and reasonably accomplishable.
NUMBER 3
Some should be exact, some should be broad, and all should be POSITIVE YEAH!
This is what my list looks like:
1. Get a job
2. Make some friends
3. Audition for a movie
4. Figure out what I'm going to do with my life
5. Become a badass
Now the first two are specific, as well as pathetic. But they are concrete things that I can either achieve or cannot by the end of the year. There are no loopholes or fancy exceptions. Either I will end the year as a popular and successful human being, or I will continue to be a loser.
The third is a whim. I've always wanted to be in a movie, even if it's just an independent crappy film. So I've signed up for a few talent search websites and have decided that I am going to pick a movie or a photo shoot to model for, and audition.
The last two are pretty nebulous, which is important. This way, I can pick different things throughout the year and attribute them to these goals and feel good about myself. Your resolutions shouldn't all be self critical; sometimes you need to set yourself up to win. Not only will this make you feel better about yourself, but it will also spur you to continue to improve yourself.
Just to clarify a little, when I say "become a badass", that means I want to pick something to become really really good at. I find that I'm decent at most things that I try, and that's awesome, but I would love to find something that I'm really good at and that I love and to master it and TOTALLY OWN. Preferably, I'd like this to be a badass thing, like shooting guns, or fencing, or pearl diving, or riding a motorcycle, or becoming a blacksmith.
You see what I mean about resolutions? You have to get yourself on track, but you have to give yourself a win, too. My list accomplishes both, and it is a pretty good list. A bad list looks like this:
1. Don't eat too much
2. Go to the gym everyday
3. Wake up earlier
4. Don't be such a loser
5. Take out the trash when it gets full
6. Read a book a week
7. Make dean's list
8. Make friends with everyone in your building
9. You're fat
10. No one likes you
There are too many things on that list and together, they are almost impossible to achieve. Not to mention, you're making yourself feel like shit, chill out.
A bad list can also look like this:
1. Love yourself more
2. World peace
3. Adopt babies from Russia with birth defects
Also, this:
1. Take out the trash
2. Do the dishes
3. Get a glass of water
4. Change the shower curtain
You have to make sure that you can accomplish the things you set out for yourself, while at the same time, making sure that they are worth accomplishing.
I hope that you can take some advice from this, and that you make an effort to make the most of this year, since we're not all going to burn up in a ball of hellfire this December.
Happy New Year!
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