A Very Vonnegut Day

A few days ago, I went walking through campus on my way to get some food. At the doors of the cafeteria was a large group of excited protesters. As I got closer, I realize it was a Fundamentalist Christian gathering, with signs everywhere saying “If you love Jesus, you will obey him!” and “YOU DESERVE HELL…but God will forgive your sins if you pray.” and so on. I thought it was actually kind of funny, seeing all of these people rioting, proclaiming their love for Jesus and the Bible. How narrow-minded and quick to judge these people seemed. Oh well, maybe I was wrong.

So as i was walking past them, someone with the likeness of a Neo-Nazi skinhead offered me a pamphlet on Fundamentalist Christianity, and said that I needed to bring Jesus into my life if I ever wanted to join God in heaven. Now, if you’ve ever worked in a produce store, or some kind of coffee shop as I have, I’m sure you’ve had countless older Asian women offer you booklets and CDs on how to be a “Good Christian”. I’d always hated that, and I’ll tell you why. I have absolutely no problem with religion, in fact, I respect the people with enough self discipline to follow it. However, I abhor those who try to shove their beliefs down other people’s throats. This being said, I decided to have a little fun with this man shoving fliers into my arms.

I looked at him, smiled, and as politely as possible told him “No thank you, I’m a
lesbian.” I wanted to see what would happen; to see whether or not he would still try to offer me “Jesus’s help” after he had just finished proclaiming that “Jesus loves all of his children”.

He spat at my feet.

So it goes.

Why I'm Sure I'm Going To Hell

Right now, I’m sitting in my dorm room where my roommate is hosting a club meeting. The club is called Jesus 101 and they study scripture in an abstract, literary, meaningful way. Or so I’m told. Personally, I’m convinced it’s some sort of secret gathering where they feed each others’ disdain for the “non-believers”. I mean, that’s what all Christians do, right? Obviously, I wouldn’t know, I was raised Presbyterian sort of. Regardless, this meeting has been making me progressively more uncomfortable, and I’ll tell you why. All semester, I’ve been weaving this tolerant facade so that I could sneak under the radar and be sparred when they decide to take over the world and force the will of God unto all. But I’m afraid that my mask is crumbling. It’s like how dogs and babies can smell fear; they can smell agnostics. So the more I sit here, exposing all of their secrets, the more I am sure they will soon find me out and take me as their prisoner. ALSO, it doesn’t help that hanging on my wall is a picture of Jesus hovering evangelically over an 18 wheeler. It’s hand-painted onto felt and hand-framed. Another priceless gem from the local Salvation Army.

So basically I have accepted my fate: I’m probably going to Hell. First of all, I’m writing this post. That should almost guarantee my trip to Hell in a hand basket. Also, my beautiful felt rendering of Jesus. (Which I have aptly titled “Jesus Take The Wheel.) Further more, I am a non-believer—or a skeptic at the very least—and I’m sure I’ve broken most, if not all of the 10 commandments. However, I take them less seriously now since I just recently read a Cracked articled on how Moses dreamed those up while he was tripping on mushrooms—yet another reason for my eternal damnation. (For your amusement:http://www.cracked.com/article_16532_the-5-greatest-things-ever-accomplished-while-high.html)

And last, but certainly not least, the leader of this group is hot and I totally want a piece of that. But here’s the kicker: it’s a she. So, Satan, signed sealed delivered I’M YOURS!