My Life is Like "The Shining"

So we all know how terrible I am when coping with scary stuff. This is probably a result of watching Unsolved Mysteries and A Haunting almost exclusively during my childhood. One of these episodes stands out for me in particular. It was when I was in 6th grade and my mom took my sister and I to Hawaii. We were watching some sort of ghost hunting/haunted house show, and it featured this boy who was followed by ghosts and spirits throughout his entire life. They called him a "beacon". This terrified me because not only did I truly believe that ghosts were real, but that you as a human could attract them all to you without even trying. This was some hard-core stuff. (Also, Hawaii has nothing to do with this story.)

For years, this idea still seemed valid to me. Whenever I'd be alone in my Mom's house, even if it was during broad daylight, I would get absolutely terrified of any little noise that I heard. (I should mention that my Dad's house is about 19874392734287 times more creepy than my mom's. Thankfully, I no longer reside at either since I'm a grown up.) I thought that when I moved into my apartment in North Philly, my only worries would be crack addicts or hoodlums trying to break in and kill me. Those are still on the list of things to be scared of, but as it turns out I am almost definitely a "beacon".

When I was growing up, I would always catching things like shadows and flashes of light out of the corner of my eye, or see something zoom really quickly across my field of vision. I just thought it was my eyes playing tricks on me. I didn't know that that wasn't normal until recently. There was also a tendency for things to fall or move on their own accord whenever I was alone in a room. I just told myself it was the wind, or it was on it's way down anyway. The more these things keep happening though, the more that seems unlikely.

Now that I am in my own apartment, and these things continue to happen, only with more regularity, I am forced to contemplate a few options:

1. I am most definitely a beacon for ghosts and lost spirits, and my powers have only intensified since I live alone, and there is no one else around to dilute my attractive powers. I will just have to hope that no demons or evil spirits find me. (As far as I can tell, it's only a matter of time.)
2. I am insane.
3. I am overreacting.
Since I am incredibly sound of mind, I feel that my only option is the first. Eventually I will draw in some evil joojoo and I will become possessed and haunted by some sort of poltergeist, or little girls with dripping long hair in old nightgowns will start crab walking across my ceilings.

Let me give you some examples of how I am being haunted to prove to you how un-crazy I am.

1. I was making tea the other day and the wire to the kettle kept wiggling back and forth even though I was not touching it and I had NOT touched it for about 5 minutes, meaning that my moving it had not influenced it's little demonic dance.
2. My closet door had a tendency to open every once in a while, even though there is no way that it could be the wind, nor is the door frame installed on an angle. (I checked.)
3. Every time I sit in my recliner, I see this shadow in my left peripheral vision that I can never focus on. And I have tried sitting in this chair with different lighting and positioning, and it is always the same!

I have yet to be attacked by my own dishes, or to be eaten by my bed and then exploded into a waterfall of blood, but I'm telling you it's only a matter of time

time...


time...









tiiiimeeee........

BOO!

The Story of How I Wet the Bed

Judging by the title, you might think that this is going to be a story from my childhood. Well, this is where you would be wrong, and also where I would thank you for giving me so much credit. Clearly, I don't deserve it. No, this is a fairly recent story. And by recent, I mean last year; my freshman year of college when I was 19.

It was the spring semester at Bloomsburg University, which is ironic because it doesn't feel like spring in the town of Bloomsburg until summer time by calendar standards. However, it was fairly late in the school year which had allowed me enough time to make some awesome friends. I had three best friends on campus, and they were all dudes. (As a caveat, I am using the past tense not because I am no longer friends with said dudes, but because I no longer attend school with them, regrettably. But that's a different story.)

Anyway, Ted, Dan, Matt, and I were a super awesome gang of amazing and we would get into all kinds of shenanigans including Busty Cops go Hawaiian, topless keg-stands, and arguing over who has better control of their butt-holes. Unfortunately, our shenanigans also included scary movie night. Which only happened once, and I'll tell you why:

My roommate was gone most weekends since her family lived about 15 minutes away, so I would have the room to myself. One weekend, after a midnight trip to the Weis, the four of us decided that it would be fun to watch The Zodiac Killer in my room, and then sleep over. Now, I don't do well with scary anything, but I figured since I would be in a room with three mostly grown men, it wouldn't be a problem.

We started the movie at around 12:30, and were talking and eating through most of the beginning. It wasn't until the creepy meadow scene that we actually started paying attention. Now, if you've ever seen the movie The Zodiac Killer, you'll know that this is probably the most disturbing movie scene of all time. I still have nightmares regarding this scene, and it's over a year later. Naturally, I was petrified for the rest of the movie that I was conscious for, since I fell asleep before the end.

As I'm sure everyone knows, falling asleep during a scary movie is probably the worst thing that you can do because you don't get to see how the movie was resolved, and you deprive your imagination of the closure that comes from an ending that makes things all better. But The Zodiac Killer is a long-ass movie, and I fell asleep before the killer was caught. (Actually, I don't even know if he ever was caught because I never saw the end. He could still be out there, waiting...with his goddamned creepy puzzles...)

The screams and intense background music faded into my equally turbulent dreams. I was in a constant state of running or hiding throughout my nightmares, and you know how in your dreams everything is a thousand-jillion times scarier, even if it's not really scary at all? Well multiply that by eleventy-thousand and you might begin to comprehend how insanely terrifying my dreams were.

At about 4am, I woke up and had to keep checking to make sure my arms were still attached. It was still pitch black outside, which meant that there was still a real possibility that monsters, serial killers, or orcs could come and kill me in my bed. I kept trying to tell myself that I was being ridiculous and that I should just go back to sleep, but I was having a hard time calming myself down. After about 15 minutes, I started to get tired enough to drift off to sleep again, but just as I was about to fall totally asleep, I was jolted awake by a loud, blood curdling scream.

Or at least that's what it sounded like to me. It turns out, my good friend Dan, who I had never spent the night with before, was a night screamer.

It took me a minute to realize that we weren't all in mortal danger and that The Zodiac Killer wasn't stabbing my friends to death and saving me for last. But by then, it was too late. I was laying in a puddle--a small, insignificant puddle, but a puddles nonetheless--of shame and failure, and I continued to lay there until the sun rose and all of my friends departed so that no one would ever find out the terrible faux pas I had committed.

Naturally, I gracefully declined invitations to all other scary-movie nights for the rest of my time at Bloomsburg.

What is Fear? Assignment from my Creative Writing Class in High School

It’s gaining on you.
You’re trying to run, but your feet are stuck in mud.
Shadows start to close in on you.
Running.
Running.
Can’t get away.
Everything is black and your heart is pounding.

Open your eyes.



Everything is quiet and dark. Adrenaline is coursing through your veins and your eyes bug wide in the darkness. The only sound is your ragged breathing, and the clock ticking on the wall above your head.
Your brain chugs slowly to life as familiar shapes start to fade into focus, and you realize after a few seconds, that you are in your bed.
The cool feeling of relief washes over you as you slump back against your pillows.
A smile breaks across your face, as you contemplate your near miss.
A few seconds go by, and your smile starts to fade because you’ve come to a stark realization:
it’s dark,
you’re scared,
and you’re completely
alone.

It’s black everywhere you look. Shapes are only visible in the periphery, and even then, they are hazy. What’s hiding in the dark corner, or behind that door, or in the closet?
Quickly, you glance over at the clock for reassurance.
3:12am
Great. Four more hours until the sun comes up, and you know you are safe.
You assure yourself that you’re being ridiculous, and lie down and close your eyes, but you have a harder time controlling your ears; they perk up despite your best efforts.
If the neighbors opened a soda next door, you would be able to hear it.
You try to ignore the involuntary shivers, and the burning knot at the pit of your stomach.
Relax your muscles,
let your mind wander.
Peace.
Soft sheets.
Dark blue.
Stars.
Star fish.
Goldfish.
Sea monsters!

Oh shut up!


You try again.
Peace.
Warm breezes.
The smell of leather.
Sand.
Puppies…



Just as you feel yourself drifting into unconsciousness, you hear the wood floor creek outside in the hall.

Your eyes fly open and your heart kicks into overdrive. Sitting ram rod straight in your bed, you focus all your senses on identifying the noise.
How the hell are you supposed to hear anything with that damned clock ticking in your ear?
You consider taking it down, but you decide against it. It alone is guiding you to the safety of the dawn; it’s purpose is too great.

You spare it a glance.
3:27
Ugh.


It’s quiet for a while.
Just as you start to consider lying back down, another thump echoes in the hallway.
Adrenaline shoots back through your veins and your heart pounds fervently against your ribs.
You imagine a shadow, taking its time, only stepping every few minutes so the sound of its footsteps are spaced far enough apart to remain inconspicuous in the night. It makes slow progress to your room so that when it gets there, you’re sleeping unaware in your bed, vulnerable, and unconscious.
Another footstep.
It feels like your heart is going to fly out of your chest, and your stomach is going drop through your butt.
Quick glance at the clock.
4:34
Come onnn.

Seconds turn into minutes, which turn into hours. Sweat dews on your forehead, and your back is killing you from sitting stone still for… how long have you been sitting there?
3:58
You don’t know, a while.

The wood creeks again.
Though you’re still braced for attack, you’ve become desensitized to the noise.
(You’ve had a lot of time to think and rationalize.)
So you let your mind wander; only leaving half of your brain to keep a lookout.

Apple cider.
Hay rides.
Bon fires.
Shooting stars.
Lots of stars.
Planets.
The sun.
Two suns.
Eight suns.
A million suns.
Too bright.

You open your eyes.


Sunlight is pouring through your window, directly into your face. It’s morning, and you’ve survived another night. Surprise, surprise.
You roll over to check the clock and you hear your shoulder crack.
 !!!

You supposed that’s what you get for sitting like a rock in your bed all night.
You laugh at how stupid you feel; everything seems so safe and far away in the delicious light of day.
Contemplating clichés, one in particular finally resonates with you:

There is nothing to fear, but fear itself.