How My Wardrobe is Seriously Depleting My Credibility

I don't count myself among the many beer sluts that populate most colleges, but that doesn't mean I don't dress like one from time to time. I don't like to judge girls on the way they dress because wardrobe is not an all-encompassing representation of someone's personality. (However, I do believe strongly in what Mr. Chappelle has to say about the matter.) That is why I like to take the liberty of dressing like a skank every once in a while, just because I can. But ladies, there is a time and a place, and I will share with you the WRONG times and places for a sluty wardrobe and the possibility of a wardrobe malfunction, based on my own experiences.


1. Meeting With Your Professor

Last year, I had this one really skeevy technology teacher who was also the most incompetent technology professor in existence. (This man specialized in web design, and his favorite website is glittertextgraphics.com, and he doesn't understand how youtube works.) Thankfully, it was the end of the semester and we were all assigned different times to meet with him individually to discuss our final grades. On the day that I had chosen to meet with him, it was super hot so I chose to wear my loose denim shorts and a tshirt. I had always liked these shorts because they were kind of high-waisted and gave me this daisy duke look that I loved, but am loathe to admit. For this reason, I did not wear them often in public.
While I was sitting talking to him in his office, I noticed that his eyes kept wandering to the area of my crotch, and I just attributed this to his pervy disposition and tried to ignore it. It wasn't until I went to stand up that I felt a breeze around my crotch as the air left my shorts, that I realized there was a problem. I rushed to the bathroom to investigate. I burst through the doors and hiked one leg up onto a sink to examine myself in the mirror. Low and behold, my kitten-patterned underwear was clearly visible through the gaping leg-holes in my shorts.
Needless to say, I got an A in that class. (Also, it helps if your final project is this.)

2. A First Date

This incident includes the same shorts and the same type of problem, only I was wearing significantly less underwear this time. My boyfriend and I are still together over a year a half later, surprisingly. Only sometimes I wonder if the situation isn't indicative of his personality...

Shorts in question. Notice the giant leg holes. 

3. Your Nana's Funeral

I bought this flowy floral patterned skirt from H&M, but I never got a chance to wear it. The first occasion since the purchase of my skirt that called for anything more than jeans was my Nana's funeral, so I suited up. Since I had never worn the skirt out anywhere before, (this seems to be my excuse a lot) I was not familiar with it's tendency to catch the breeze. And to my misfortune, I had chosen to wear a thong that day. It's not like I'm stupid and wasn't expecting a skirt to react to the wind, but I had thought that funerals usually take place in a church or somewhere similar. But I was part of a small party that actually witnessed her burial, which was outside, in the wind. As we were throwing flowers onto her grave and saying goodbyes, a huge breeze caught my skirt and completely exposed my bare ass to my one cousin's entire family. I hadn't thought anyone had seen me until I heard my older cousin giggle in whispers behind me. Sorry Nana.

4. Painting Faces at a Country Club

I recently was asked to work with one of my friends at a Christmas party painting YOUNG CHILDREN'S faces. It was at a country club, and we had to dress nicely to pretend like we fit in. Naturally, I didn't have anything country club worthy, so my fashionable friend had to dress me. Unlucky for me, I am about four cup-sizes larger than she is, so her innocent scoop-neck shirt looked totally inappropriate on me. I didn't realize HOW inappropriate until I noticed that the kids lined up in front of me to get their faces painted were all boys, and my friend had all the girls. One of the moms came up to ask me about it, and I hedged that "it just seemed to work out that way". It wasn't until later that Lauren informed me that all the moms were tittering about how I had chosen the wrong place to "pop out of my shirt".

5. Babysitting

I used to babysit for this one girl that lived in the same neighborhood as my dad. She was about seven, and her Dad thought I was hilarious, so he continued to hire me pretty much every weekend. One day, the girl had one of her hyperactive ADHD emotionally damaged friends over, so I had to take care of both of them. I was called in last-minute because there was some kind of emergency, so I rushed over. The dad said quick goodbyes and gave rushed instructions and then was out the door. The girls quickly grabbed me and ran screaming into the master bedroom with me in tow. Since I didn't get a chance to check myself before leaving my house, I hadn't realized that my thong was sticking waaaay out of the back of my pants. That is, until the ADHD friend gave me the most awful wedgie I have ever experienced. Not only was I mortified and ashamed, but I had to diplomatically answer the girls' underwear and bra questions for the rest of my shift. I just hope that particular incident never got back to the Dad.

That list was much easier to come up with than it should have been, and now I am ashamed. Hopefully, it will take you guys less time to learn your lesson.
DON'T BE SLUTS!

Unless it's Halloween. Then you MUST be sluts.

Also, Christmas. These are both excellent opportunities for you to get drunk and show off your hoohoos.
Happy Holidays!

This is My Christmas Post

So I figured with Christmas on the way and everything, I would make an effort to write some sort of Holiday themed post. I have absolutely no plan for this, so we're just going to see where it goes.

I know this sounds cliche, but Christmas has always been so magical time for me. I have seldom a bad memory associated with the Holiday Season. The lights, the smells, the good cheer, the cookies, it's all so comforting and enchanting. When you sit by the fire in your Christmas socks listening to Bing Crosbey and appreciating the beauty of your Christmas tree, it feels like thousands of tiny fairies are kissing and hugging your soul, and warping your heart up in heating pads filled with cinnamon and joy.

However, in the past few years, my Christmas spirit has been missing the mark by a good month.
When the leaves start to change colors and the air starts to get crisper, I get all excited about fall and the leaves and the caramel apples and the pumpkins and so on. But that quickly melts into acute anticipation for Christmas. I start craving candy canes and B101 by mid October, and it tapers off right around Thanksgiving. (Since this is usually around the time that the people around me lose their tolerance for my Christmas excitement and I am forced to tone it down.) I usually try to rationalize with myself that I'm getting too crazed too soon, so I try to reign myself in. However, once I accomplish this, I lose my ability to conjure up the Christmas spirit for when it really counts.

So now I'm sitting here in my apartment burning pine scented candles, listening to Burle Ives and trying to regain some sort of Holiday cheer, but I can't. This is doubly depressing for me because my birthday is in a few days, and I'm not excited about that either. Which SUCKS!

Feeling excited about Christmas and birthdays is like everyone's God-given right. (Unless you don't celebrate Christmas or believe in God, in which case your equivalent holiday/entity can substituted for the sake of this rant.) To deny someone, or yourself for that matter, of feeling joy and excitement over these events is an atrocity. So I say, celebrate Christmas in July if that's when you feel like celebrating it. Invite people to your half birthday party if you're lucky enough to have friends who will play along. It is your right as a human being to extract every last ounce of happiness you can from these festivities, and if you happen to want to do that prematurely, then everyone else will just have to deal with it.

So Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good BLOG!